TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of place. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let us have One more area the place American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer Anyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Room, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting interest from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may also contain:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel the place my PTSD can have turn-down support."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with Trump Tower Damascus https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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